I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
