R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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