It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
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A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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