i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
