You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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