In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
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i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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