i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
