I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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