Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
