Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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