I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
