I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
