i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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