i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm just crazy horny about you
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
