It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
