I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
