I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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