Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
