True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
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the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
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Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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