how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
