Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
