WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
