how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
