There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I smell like Dick and happiness
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