Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
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Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
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First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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