Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
