My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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