he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
