okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
