I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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