I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
