I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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