my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
