it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
