you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
