Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize