apparently the secret to your success is patron
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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