conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
