Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
