he puts the penis in happiness.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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