I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
