Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
