dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
