I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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