Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
