sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
