first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
