I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
