I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
