There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
