i would punch a child for taco bell
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
