Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
