you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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