Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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