I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better