I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
