Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
